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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Leave him alone, he is MY BABY!



October 16, 2013 I received a call from my son's close friend, Alex.  He stated that he was expecting Jacob at his house two hours ago. He was at Jakes door trying to get him to answer the door. No answer.

 So he called me to see if I might be able to help.  Of course my heart skipped a beat. Every mother's heart does that when something is out of the ordinary for their child. 

 I decided to come over and get the apartment owners to let me in, as they had done that for me before, when Jake was in the hospital.
  
 They came with their keys to the door and opened it.  There he was on the floor. His back to me and at that moment, what was I going to find was screaming in my mind.  Was he just passed out from seizures?  Was he hurt?  Did we need a squad?
  
 JAKE!!!!!!!  JAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I called to him. He didn't move.  I ran in and grabbed his shoulder. JAKE!!!  No answer. I picked up his arm which was straight out in front of him. It WAS STIFF!  

 In that very second my world became unreal.  I cannot type here just how I stated He's DEAD!  It was more of a whine and a cry for help in total unbelief.  I said it many times. 

 Then someone said "check his pulse". Alex came in and tried. He said he couldn't feel anything.  He put his finger under his nose and thought he felt air. 
  He said "I don't know CPR!"
"I do! Roll him over" I had hope in that one second!
OMG!  We both flipped out. Silence fell and I think Alex left the room.  His face was almost purple and his lips almost black.  Knowing that his arm was stiff, there wasn't going to be any CPR.

  I sat on  this broken couch he had that was almost on the floor and I stared at him.  Tears were in my eyes, but they were total tears of shock. I wasn't sobbing because he was dead. I was just allowing small tears that said, this is just not real and I need to wake up. My kids do not die!

  I was shaking so badly that I could not use my cell phone to reach Michael.  I knew he had to come here too. This is our oldest son by birth and he meant the world to us.
  
  I didn't know how Mike was going to take it and hated that I had to tell him while he was driving, but there was no other way.
  
 Time stood still. A fly landed on my son's eye and walked around. I wanted to kill that fly. I got so angry at it. LEAVE MY SON ALONE!  But I didn't touch it. I could not touch my son's face. He scared me. It didn't look like him at all.
  
 I had touched his back in the beginning and it was still warm. To this day I regret that I didn't give him hugs around his back and belly. He still felt normal there.

 I don't know how much time went by, but the police showed up.  They said they were sorry. What the heck for? My son is DEAD!  I resented their presence in his house. They also made me leave so they could check him for any possible homicide. I didn't want to leave, but I complied.  Today I wish they had let me stay there. I wasn't done being with my son.  HE WAS MY BABY!  Who are you to tell me I can't be with him? But I walked outside and still shaking, I finally reached Mike. I hated telling him. He didn't answer for a second and then he shouted NO!  I asked him if he was ok.  I didn't want him to have an accident.

 He said he was still driving, so he thought he was ok.  He went to the chiropractors and informed them that he could not go to his appointment, as his son had died and he walked out. Left them in shock too.

  
 When he showed, he wanted to see him. The officers were not going to let us back in.  To this day I feel they over stepped their rights. THAT WAS OUR SON!
  
 So they finally let Mike peek in the door. He almost vomited and he ran out crying. What were we going to do now?  We had no clue. Jake had no insurance.  We just had no clue. We were two parents whom had just lost one of our babies and the shock was just enough so  that we could talk almost as though it hadn't really happened. We were not breaking down. Were were just talking about what we needed to do. Then finally we got in our cars and went home.  It was the most empty feeling in the world.  A big part of me died with my son.  Did I have enough left for my eight remaining kids?  

 It's been two months and even as I write this, I am sobbing.  My life has totally changed and gone a new direction and each day, I wake up not knowing which path I will be on. Will it be like before? Kind of normal and happy at times. Somewhat fun and enjoyable? Or will I cry and grieve today. Will I wonder again, when will this end?

Our family at: http://www.parentingfasdkids.com
kidznlildogz@aol.com

5 comments:

  1. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing.
    What could I possibly say, I realize there is no way I could ever feel your pain, your sorrow. I thought of saying nothing, of avoiding saying anything rather than if taking the chance of saying the wrong thing, But even that feels wrong.

    I thank you for sharing even the smallest details. you've told us things we want to ask but would never ask because we felt our asking would cause you even more pain so we ask nothing and say nothing.

    my heart bleeds to know the detaisl but it has truly helped me to comprehend what you are feeling, thinking, and how you are coping without having to ask. for this I respect you, love you and can grieve with you. you don't have to know me I am the same as you, human, a mother, a sister, a wife, a friend. you have shared with me something no one ever has and something I will never forget. Jacob now lives deeply within my memories as well as all those who have heard your hearts cry.

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    Replies
    1. Shelly, Thank you for this. I just now found it. Sorry. I wasn't in this blog for a while. Yesterday my daughter attempted suicide, so I was writing in a different blog and sharing this blog over there. That brought me to your comment. Could you please email me at kidznlildogz@aol.com? I want you to know that your messege so validated why I felt I needed to share this and there is no question that can hurt me. No one could hurt me more then losing Jake has, but yet, being able to share about it is healing. Many hugs to you. love, Terry Quinn

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  2. Hi, my name is Cheryl Quinn, I lost my first born 30 yr old son on 8.2.14.
    It was a horrific motorcycle/car accident. Chick in car just mowed my son down and never hit her brakes for 300' after she hit and killed him.
    I still feel like I did the day it happened. It's a awful life to live. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, my name is Cheryl Quinn, I lost my first born 30 yr old son on 8.2.14.
    It was a horrific motorcycle/car accident. Chick in car just mowed my son down and never hit her brakes for 300' after she hit and killed him.
    I still feel like I did the day it happened. It's a awful life to live. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheryl I don't come here much as it is painful but it is nearing my son's birthday so I was here. Please contact me at kidznlildogz@aol.com and tell me how you are? I am just now seeing this. I am so sorry. I hope you are ok. Terry Quinn

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