Time to heal. Time to set Jacob free.....

Hard to believe it has been almost a year since my baby went to heaven. The year has been a most different year in my life. One that is hard to really explain. It is a combination of the worst pain possible a parent can walk through and yet some of the greatest blessings have come out of it this year.

 Before Jake went to heaven, I never cried. Nothing made me cry. It seemed that I was made of steel. Now it seems that the steel all melted off me and I am rubber. I bend easily now. I cry over little things quite easily now. I cry with others when they hurt. I just seemed to have unzipped a wall inside me that pours out tears and yet I am ok. The tears are now ok. They don't over whelm me. They don't take me to a bad place. They move through me and seem to wash me and heal me, each time I shed them. 

  This is a blessing. Did Jake's death clear my heart for a compassion that I might never have known?
Possibly. 

For a long time I wanted the doctors to pay for their mistakes. I looked into law suits but we didn't have one. Jake had not done the right things for himself, even though the doctors had made mistakes. Jake was responsible too. 
 Then I simply wanted them to know what they had done wrong. I wanted to fix the system that failed my son. 

Well I am here to share that God did some things in my heart and I no longer wish to do that. I don't care to put my son's death on someone. I don't want anyone to live in pain for the mistakes they made. I want them to be forgiven and loved just the same.
 So today I took a big step for me. I had saved a group of his medications. The very one that dammed his body to seizures. I emptied them all out and took the bottles for a project use. No longer will I hold onto the bottles, as they represented my bitterness. My anger at whom ever prescribed them. It no longer resides in my heart, so  I no longer need the bottles.

 Jake didn't die. Jake moved addresses. Jake is very much alive. Many things have come to me about his life since his death and I now know that his life was more full of suffering then he deserved to have to live through.  He paid a price to live on earth really and his price paid has now bought him a ticket into the most joyful place possible. Heaven. He deserves heaven.  He deserves all the love he is living with now and the freedom that he has now. He deserves his mansion and all his blessings. 
  
One day I will get to see all that he has now. Until that day I will just hold him in my heart and remember his adorable beauty that he was here, and know that he is safe. and waiting for me.
  
Jake has two very close friends whom I know he is watching over. His friends don't believe God exists. I know that Jake has shown me to tell them that He does exist and to one day give Jake a gift of bringing them to heaven. I have tried to do that, but at this point, they are still in that non believing state.
  
I just will love them until God shows them where Jake is and how much Jake desires to have them be with him one day.  
  
Anyone who doesn't believe God exists has to deny that babies being born are not God's creations. They have to believe that cells just jumped together and created people and the recreation of people that is pregnancy, just spontaneously happened.  I think it takes more faith to believe that lie, then it does to simply believe God.
 But until one lets the scales drop from their eyes and reaches out to God to find out if He is real, then the scales keep the eyes blinded. 

I so pray that these two friends one day take a chance on God and find out hoe much He loves them and wants them to be with Jake.
I pray that we all celebrate in heaven one day and talk about the days of earth and realize that they almost missed God, but they didn't. I won't give up believing that can happen for Jake's friends.

   We had to send Fluppy to heaven. He was old, blind and senile and not doing well. The day we took him to the vets, I saw in a vision that Fluppy just popped up from the ground into heaven and Jake ran to him and held him joyfully, crying Fluppy you are here with me!!  It made Jakes day that day to have his dog in heaven with him. I know it.
  I have been listening to an awesome woman who has had many experiences like what Jake had when he was caught up in heaven at age 14.
 This has been a huge encouragement for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02ggLITT9rw

Her name is Kat Ker. She has a ton to describe about heaven, and I plan to listen more to her video's. She describes a port hole there our loved ones can visit us, or see us. I want to know more about that. I love to know that Jake is watching from above and sees his family.

 I know he doesn't want me to continue to grieve for him when he is in such an awesome place. Sometimes I can't help it still, but I am learning to let go in an amazing way.

 I am learning to let God give me that peace that fills my heart and lets my son go to freely enjoy heaven, until one day we are united again.

 If Jake could be here now, this is what I would say:

Jake, you were beautiful, awesome and sometimes a little brat. You were precious and loved and sometimes you got on my nerves. 

 You were gentle and kind and yet you did things on earth that were not right at times. 

But Jake, I adored you as my son. I will always adore you even though you were not anyone's perfect child. No child is perfect. I can't keep you as a memorial in my heart that I lost a perfect kid. I lost a real person who was born to me and struggled alot in life. Life hurt you in some ways while you were here, but you honestly didn't stop being gentle through it all. I am proud of you for that. You fought a good fight while you lived here to keep above the things that were taking you down.
  
 Now you no longer have that fight. You are free. You dance. You run. Your mind is clear and loved and happy. I am so happy for you Jake. I give you to God now. You belonged to Him in the first place and now you are back with Him for eternity. I love you baby. I love you unconditionally no matter what and forever. 

 Speak to those angels up there on my behalf. Tell them that we all need them down here to take care of us and help us continue the mission that God has given to us.  Remind them that we are not done on earth and we can't do this alone here. 
  Give Jesus a hug from me please. Tell Him I so love Him and I am so grateful that He loves me.
 Sit in the throne room of God and tell Him your family wants to serve Him the rest of their days on earth.

 He knows all this because He sees us, but I feel good just asking you to play a part on our behalf.
 Keep your mansion clean Jake. I am not coming up to visit a dump. Your apartment was horrible. I know I taught you better. You can do it up there because you don't have any ties holding you down. 

 Enjoy everything Heaven has to offer you. I bet God even has some nice clean and awesome video games up there that you play. 

I think I have three other children up there too Jake. I lost three babies. They probably know you now. Tell them I love them too, and one day I look forward to meeting my other children. I can't wait to find out if they are boys or girls and what they look like.

  Give them hugs from me while they wait to meet me.
This is not good bye Jake. This is see you soon, as I surely will and it won't be long as heaven is not in time. 

 I love you Baby.  I am holding you in my arms now in a big hug. Please take my love and hold it up there until. 

 Love Mom.

Terry Quinn
kidznlildogz@aol.com
http://www.parentingfasdkids.com

Out to sea in the boat of grief

Losing my son landed me in a boat.

That boat is still on the sea people. In fact, I don't see land in site. Daily I wonder if the boat will sink.

I am often dehydrated from the sun and in agony that I might not live through this trip.

Other boats around me are sailing and looking at me as though my sails should be up by now, but they aren't.

I have been in touch with many boats from afar who are also in this same boat and even after a year, most of them are not sailing, so my five months is puny.

So I am not alone in still feeling this way.

 The gut wrenching pain of losing a child is only known and understood by those that have had this happen to them. If you haven't experienced it you can't really understand it. 

 You can say "I am sorry" all day long and it doesn't even seal a tiny crack in my boat.

Nope, there isn't a way you can fix my boat.

There is a way you can help me keep my boat afloat though.

You can love me when I appear to be "throwing up" all over the place with my pain.

You can stop thinking that I should be sailing and stop expecting me to be ok.

I am not. Not even close.

You can just be there. Being there to hold my boat out of the water for just a little while each day gives me a chance to feel uplifted.  It helps me to keep paddling through the very dark waters and not feel as though one moment  my boat is just going to sink and I will go down with the ship.

 You can not judge me when I over react to every other situation in life that triggers my PTSD.

All of these things make my boat roll from side to side so much that I honestly hang on for dear life in that moment. I scream for someone to help me feel safe again, and no one shows up.

 

 I have moments when I want to take my own knives and cut holes in my boat and sink it on purpose just so I can escape the reality of the scorching sun and the rocking boat.

  

All the boats around me are not really paying attention to that and they want me to just straighten up and fly right and they want to smack me and hope I wake up from such thoughts. They order me to jump ship and get out of that boat. They tell me you don't get to die with that ship. They say my thoughts are STUPID. 

They belittle me. They think their actions are going to fix my boat.

 What they do is make my boat look more riddled with holes. They add pain to my pain.

Then they move off into their own boat world where parties take place, laughter, happiness, joy and fun.

Their lives honestly don't want to touch mine any more because I look scary to them. It feels to them if they get near me that their own boat will be tainted and they might ruin some of their own fun.

 

They don't even want to consider what it might be like to lose a child, so getting near me scares the crap out of them. It is as though my disease will hop onto them.

 

 They also don't want to deal with pain because no one does. That is the human condition. So if they get near my boat, they might be confronted with their own desire not to touch pain.

 So this boat I am in that is riddled with holes and rocking with the storms, is all alone in the sea.

 I cry out to God. When can I come ashore God? When can I get out of this boat? Will I ever be free of it?

I can see Him plugging a hole now and then and allowing me some more safety. I can see Him often sitting in the boat with me. Then a crisis happens and the repaired holes not only break, they look bigger to me at that time.

 

 I get it if you can't come in the boat with me. I get it if you don't even want to look at me.

What I hope is that you will at least give me the grace that allows me to "throw up my pain" now and then. when the sun has scorched me so bad that I am dehydrated and sick. When I get through that, just don't leave the water that is near me. Stick around if you can. Maybe one day we can all go ashore together.  

Maybe. I am not sure yet.

Terry Quinn

kidznlildogz@aol.com

http://www.parentingfasdkids.com

I would die with my son, if not for God!

It's been five months since my baby died. I have walked through every possible emotion known to man since then. 

I spent the first couple months in a frozen state. It took every ounce of strength I had, to just take care of myself!  No pain on earth can really compare to losing your child.  Nothing!  I felt like I now had a life sentence with this new pain. How could I escape? It went with me.

 I never questioned God. I honestly felt I understood why God allowed this. My son had suffered alot on this earth with schizophrenia.  

 When Jake was fourteen years old, one day he woke up all excited. He told us that he had been to heaven last night. What was interesting is that I had just finished reading a book of a man's testimony, of heaven. He had fallen off a scaffolding and died.  His wife prayed until he came back to earth. However his entire story was so much like what my son was describing, that I just knew it was true.

What had happened Jake? Did you die? Did God just take you there for a visit? No one knew.
Jake said he just arrived there. The streets were pure gold like glass and you could see through them. He walked up to the gate of pearls and touched it. Electricity came out of it and knocked him on the ground. Then the gate opened and he walked in. He saw the beautiful city of mansions.  
 "Mom, I picked a mansion and I walked inside. There were chefs in there preparing a meal and I ate food that was like nothing on earth, it was so good.  
 I walked upstairs and I saw an angel sitting by a window rocking a baby. The baby told me that she had been aborted, but for me not to be sad. She was happy now with Jesus.
  
Then everyone started running toward the throne. The baby got up and walked down the stairs and out with the crowd.
  Angels were twirling in dance. The grass doesn't flatten when you walk on it. The flowers were more colors then on earth and brighter if possible.  I heard music. 
  I ran towards the throne and I saw the beings around the throne. They were creatures.  
I didn't see God but I felt Him. I felt more love and peace then possible on earth. Then I saw Jesus.

His eyes were pure blue but like fire.  He turned to me and told me that it wasn't my time yet. He said I had a work yet to do on this earth. I argued with Him. I said, No Lord. I love it here. Please let me stay. But all of a sudden I felt myself flying through the universe. I got hot from going so fast. 
 The next thing I knew, I was taking a breath in my body."

 I was in awe of his story. It blessed me so much to hear about heaven.  I feel so strongly that God gave Jake this experience for my sake. God knew when Jakes time was going to come and it has given me so much peace, having already experienced heaven through the eyes of my son.

Just a few years later Jake started having symptoms of schizophrenia.  Soon he felt that what he had seen was only a delusion. He started to doubt God in his life. He had so much psychosis with his illness.  

  He had some pretty awesome friends, but his friends are atheist.  They took care of Jacob in a very special way. Jake was never alone. But soon he was falling away from his strong belief in the Lord and believing what his friends did.  He told Nate one year before he died that he had now become an atheist.
  
Nate asked him what if he died today and found out that he was wrong?  Jake responded that maybe it would be good to keep some belief. Jake was a chameleon. Who he hung with, is who he became like.

So he had some friends that cared about him like a brother and  he began to believe what they believed.
  
God saw this happening to my son whom HE loved so much.  I believe He rescued Jake from falling further.  I believe He took my son away from his mental illness into a place of wholeness.
  
God knew how much this was going to break my mother's heart too.  He had prepared me that morning with a dream.  I had this dream that I got a special doll for my birthday, for my collection. I have a great love for dolls and I have even sculpted some realistic life sized infants in polymer clay.

 Well the Lord showed me that I was to get this doll for my birthday. It was actually two days after my birthday, but I woke up with this incredible desire to have this doll for my birthday. I went on line and found one forsale.

 Then I got the call from Jake's friend. Alex could not get Jake to wake up by calling in the windows and his car was there. He had been trying for quite some time. So I went over to get help from the office and there I found him. He was gone. My baby was not there.

Later I felt so crazy about so many things. My shock was over whelming but through this shock, I remembered the dream. I knew that Jake was with God when I had this dream that morning. I asked God why? He knew my son was dead. Why give me a dream about my birthday?

The answer came to my spirit. Jake had died two days after my birthday. He didn't want my birthday each year to be remembered by his death. He wanted me to celebrate each year and remember that God even cared about my birthday in the midst of losing my son.

You see to God, it wasn't pain. He simply took my son home. But  He wanted me to have something to remember each year. Celebrate your birthday Terry. Don't make that the day you grieve over your son. 

 When we know Him, it can be alot easier. How would I even deal with this if I didn't? I could not even live if I thought this was the last time I would ever see my son again. I would have to die with him. The pain is just too great even when I know where my son is.

 The doll arrived the day of Jake's wake and I didn't have much joy in her arrival.  I was consumed with my son's loss. But I knew that in the future, she was a land mark that would give me joy on my birthday for my whole rest of my life.  I do enjoy her now too. But all the dolls in the world don't mean anything to me compared to my son.  She is just a marker from God that He wants joy and not grief from my heart.

 When He died on the cross, He says in His word that He bore our griefs. I have taken that at face value. I have prayed and reminded Him that He did that. He bore my griefs.
 Trust me, I have felt grief to the point that I thought I was going crazy. I have hurt so bad that I thought my insides were coming out.  I have cried so many tears, I don't know where they all have resided, until now.
 But it has been nothing compared to how bad it would be if I thought I would never see Jake again. He is still my baby and He is waiting for me to arrive and see him again. He wants to show me his mansion that God has given to him. 

He also wants me to bring with me, his friends that he left down here on earth. He loves his friends so much. They mean the world to Jake. 

 Something in their lives has taken them in the direction to believe that God doesn't exist. I am praying so hard that they find out He does, before it is too late for them. I want them to have a party one day with Jake. I know that this would be the greatest blessing for Jake if I bring his friends to heaven one day. None of us knows the day or the hour of our death either.
I pray so hard his friends find Jesus in time. He is worth finding. They will know fulfillment that atheism can't offer. They will know Love that this world can't give. 

  I still have pain. I still break down and cry at least once a day. Other things hurt me alot easier right now because that pain just lies beneath the surface. That horrible picture of finding my son's body still tries to haunt my heart. I deliberately replace it with a picture of him, as he is now. Glowing and alive with God.

Take care of my baby God. He means the world to me. I will see you soon Jake. I love you!

Terry Quinn
http://www.parentingfasdkids.com
kidznlildogz@aol.com

Spreading ashes feels like camping?

We didn't have any choice about whether we buried Jake in a casket, or cremation.  The latter was thousands of dollars more.  
  We were even blessed with a free cemetery plot from a beautiful friend. We thought that was the direction we were going to go in, but in the end the company wasn't honest with us about the expenses. The cost was going way higher then we had money for, so we  began to see the direction that God was sending us in for our son's ashes. It worked out beautifully. We were all more at peace with where we ended up.

Jake's favorite color was green, thus the title of this blog is green. He bought clothes in green mostly and called himself the green man.  So we bought a vault urn that was originally to be buried, but in the end, it resides with us, as a memorial to Jake.

  We made a plan to spread Jacob's ashes in a location that is private to our family.  It still gives me great comfort about where he is. 

 Honestly when it comes to death, cremation or burial isn't an easy choice any way. I didn't want my son's beautiful body locked in a casket and underground. It was my own claustrophobia that I felt he would experience.  Plus I thought I would want to dig the ground up and bring him up for air. I know these are not reality thoughts, but it just didn't feel right to me.

 On the other hand, burning up his body was pretty sad too. I will never again see my son on this earth. Every thing about the body that God created him in, is gone down here. I am glad he has a heavenly body, but right now it is little comfort.  In reality if I concentrate on him being still alive and having a body up there, it is alot better then having a body buried in the earth.

 So we planned a memorial for Jacob. Only his close friends were invited and our family. We had the Wake and all of OUR friends came and Jakes friends, but I didn't feel right expecting people to come out for two events.  This was personal and time for every one to talk about their relationship with Jake.

 The morning of the event, Mike had to remove the ashes from the beautiful burial urn that we had purchased and put them into a tupperware container. We could not carry that urn into the woods. I think we might have looked suspicious and we didn't want anyone to know what our plans were.  It felt so odd though, to pour my son's body into a tupperware container.  It was just too casual and not respectful feeling.
  
 We all loaded up and met together. It was a beautiful memorial. Everyone got to share about Jake and some were sad things, but more were happy experiences.  Jokes were shared and very little tears were shed. In hindsight, related to what I deal with now, I know that we were all still very much in shock.   
 Each of us took a scoop of his ashes and poured them out on the ground and then we put leaves over them.  I wanted him to be hidden under the leaves and melt into the ground with the rain.  
 Gosh it didn't really feel like we were spreading a body. With his ashes in a tupperware container, we may as well have gone camping and been cleaning out the fire place.  It was kind of a bit strange, but it gave us all great closure and that is what we needed. We know where his ashes are and we can meet there in the summer for a family picnic, reminisce about good times, and heal.  

  Jake had some awesome friends in his life and each of them spoke so positively about him. It was really a blessing to us. 

 I just kept reminding myself that even if this looked like fire place ashes, it was once my son. This is now where his earthly body resides and I think he likes it far better then being locked in a casket, and buried many feet under the ground.

 After the wake, we were blessed with a dinner out for our whole family. Another moment that we will always treasure, thanks to some awesome teachers who loved our children.  
   
Bye bye baby.  Enjoy the fall trees and beauty around you. When snow falls, just know that spring will follow, and bloom right in the midst of you. I love you Jake.

Our family at: http://www.parentingfasdkids.com

kidznlildogz@aol.com

Seeing Jake, One More Time

I just have to say this. People should die after their funerals are arranged. I know that sounds totally crazy, but especially for a parent who is dealing with the loss of a child, there is just not any way that they can clearly think, to do all of this organizing and phone calls etc.  I could hardly get out of my bed. I could hardly move. I could not talk without crying. They probably have funeral planners that work much like wedding planners, except this child had no insurance and we didn't even know if he was going to get out of the morgue. 

 This is when God took over. I don't remember every detail, but I remember the love that was pouring out to us.  

  Kayla our daughter inlaw to be, set up a Pay it forward account. We didn't ask her to do that. We didn't ask for anything, but before we could hardly figure anything out, there was enough in that account to pay for cremation.  I figured if we had cremation and brought him home, that was enough for me. 

 But that wasn't all that God had in mind.  The next day Mike said to me "I want to see him again."  I told him that I had looked into the cost of a Wake where you borrow a casket and have a gathering the day before cremation and it was a thousand dollars more.  I felt very blessed that we had enough for cremation. 

 I am the one who usually expresses that I am believing God for something, so this shocked me. Mike said, "Well if God can provide for Cremation, He can provide for a Wake. I really want to see him one more time before he goes."

 Of course he wanted to. I am the one who spent close to a half an hour with him, after I found him. Mike barely got a glimpse, and my kids hadn't seen him at all. It is kind of hard to even believe someone is dead, without seeing them that way.  It makes it real, even though I personally do not like seeing dead people.
  
 I used to hide from going to funerals. I would have excuses. Death just scared me. Now I couldn't hide and I sure didn't want my friends to hide, as I didn't want to do this alone. Thankfully, most of them weren't hiders, like me.
  
 So I prayed for Mike's request to God and low and behold a few days later, we had enough to pay for the Wake.  I cannot tell you how grateful we were to the people who contributed to that. It was the most overwhelming part of the whole thing. People gave and I know that some of them didn't have much to give, but they did anyway.  I was so extremely humbled by that. 

 Cards started showing up in the mail box.  Some family members brought us food. 

 I still didn't have much strength to do much but lay here in my bed, stare at my computer, and cry over my son. I would look at his pictures and just cry. I thought that there could never be that amount of tears in my body. Prior to this happening, I was a person who rarely ever cried about anything.  
 Now I couldn't stop doing it.
  
 I knew at least now, that we were going to see Jake again, and some how we would make it through this. It was one week later that we had his Wake. 

  There were so many people at that Wake that we all hardly fit into the room. Nate told me later that he saw Jake in his mind and he was in shock at how many people came out to see him.  

 That was how Jake was. He would have been so overwhelmed if that had been his birthday.  He would not have known what to say. He was kind of a humble guy, who was not terribly outspoken, and a little shy.  I know he was shocked but Nate said he was also smiling.  

 I, however, tried to hug everyone and help everyone be ok. I felt so sad that this was tearing up my kids. I literally walked up the line that my kids all formed around the casket and hugged each of them. They were seeing this for the first time and they were all hitting shock.  They all handled it different. Matty hung behind me and held onto me most of the time. He was afraid to go up there.  Megan and Anna were totally crying hard. They really were broken. Nate was Jakes best friend and he fought back all of his tears. I was very worried about him for a while, but he is doing better. Jon was having a really hard time too, but Bri and Caleb were both just kind of quiet. Desi was running around with  her friends. She doesn't show pain in crying much, but usually anger and later on that hit her too. But they were all in shock and hurting. I hated that they had to go  through this.

  I tried to greet others, but my memory literally took a vacation that night. People that I even knew well came to hug me and I couldn't remember their names. I felt foolish about that. I greeted Anna's hubby's Dad, and just stared at him like, I know you from somewhere, but where?  

 That happened a few times and thank God people  understood, as I wouldn't have wanted any person to feel unwanted that night. I appreciated every one of them. 

  I got to meet more of Jake's friends that night, and I know they were suffering too. He had some awesome friends who were so dedicated to being there for him. I always appreciated that, as Jake struggled often with stuff related to his schizophrenia and he was never alone when he did. His friends were there. 

 I know God is real and I know there is a heaven, but why could I not just let Jake be there and be happy for him?  I don't have the answer to that really.  It is unspeakable grief that is probably lessened by that knowledge, but in no way, does it stop it.  Death is the end of an earthly relationship. I can no longer talk to him, touch him or see him.  Waiting for the day when I again run to him, takes a lot of faith.  I am trying to put that faith into action and not allow the pain to take me down so much.  

  I found that the only way through this tunnel was by talking about it to people. Every time I got to that place where I thought my body was going to implode with pain, I called a friend. For weeks my poor friends listened to me daily. This included my Mom. She even told me that I could call anytime I wanted to.  These people are worth more then gold to me. They sustained me when I thought I might go too.

  I felt so helpless that at the age of 59, I thought I needed someone to take care of ME. That didn't happen, but the feeling was there and real.
  
 Many people wrote to me and told me to call also, any time, but I only called my closest friends because I was too embarrassed to call someone I didn't know that well.  However just knowing that I had a line up of  phone numbers in case I needed them, really helped alot. I know I didn't have to walk this alone. 

 Thank you Lord for my friends and family. I love them all so very much and appreciate every one of them. We are so blessed that way.

 Jake was cremated the next day, never to be here again in body. Bye bye baby. I love you.

  Our family at: http://www.parentingfasdkids.com

kidznlildogz@aol.com

A Family in shock! Where was our faith?

Desi needed a ride home from work right at the same time, that I found Jake. She called me and I told her that I could not pick her up.  I do not remember how I told her, but I did tell her Jake was dead.

 Of course that sent her into shock at her job and she up and called every one of our adult kids and told them what had happened.

 That made for a huge mess. My phone started ringing off the hook.  They wanted to know if it was true.  Anna was so upset that she called Megan crying and she thought I WAS DEAD!  They both flipped out on that.  I believe Megan called me and probably was shocked that I answered and they both then found out it was Jake. Was that less pain to them?  I guess in a way. A mom is more important in a child's life then a sib, but neither do they want to loose to a death.
  
 I wished that I could have told Nate in person.  He was Jake's brother and best friend. I could not tell how he was handling it on the other line.  I felt sick just having to tell this to him.

  Jon called me because he could not believe Desi was telling the truth and then Matt did the same thing.
Bri got the call, sort of fell apart at work and they let her leave work. I can't remember if Caleb called or not. But everyone got the word and they all came to our house, as soon as they all could.

  We all were in shock. We cried, we laughed, it just wasn't real.  I knew that we were going to hold each other up though, through this. We are all close.  
  
 The next morning and every morning after that for up to three weeks, when I woke up, I relived it all over again.  It was like waking up in hell!   Then after I got through that shock each morning, I was frozen. Almost totally paralyzed. I laid in my bed and could do nothing but cry and hurt. 

 There were some things I had to do.  We would have starved if it had not been for some awesome family and friends that helped with that, but when that wasn't there we ate hamburgers every night for weeks.  I just took out a frozen roll of ground beef and stuck them in the pan. That was all I could manage to do.
  
Mike was going through alot too. He felt that he hadn't prayed enough or stood spiritually strong enough to keep our first born son from being taken. I guess he was blaming himself. He was angry too at the situation that his son was just taken away like that.
  
 I didn't feel angry for a while. I just hurt.  Then one day I had heard the last "I am sorry" that I could take. Of course people say that. They feel bad and don't know what else to say, but my brain was not functioning in a normal realm.  I was getting madder and madder at every "I AM SORRY". 

  I wanted to scream. SORRY CAN'T BRING MY SON BACK!!!  

 I knew that was wrong to even think as everyone was just being so kind to me.  I wasn't really angry with them. I was just angry, and they were there.  I even posted that, and now I hope I didn't hurt any feelings.  

  I used to think that if one of my kids ever died, I would send everyone out of the room and tell them to leave us alone. Then I would stay there and pray until God raised them from the dead.  
 That happened in the Bible and there are accounts of it today. I thought my faith was that strong.

 When I found Jake, that was not even in my head.  Why? I just think shock pushes out all reason and plans.

  I didn't use my faith that day to bring Jake back to me. By the time I found him though, he had been in heaven for hours. If I could have even done that, would I have wanted to bring him back to his misery on earth?  He had Schizophrenia and he had suffered alot.  I think he might have been mad at me and I wouldn't want him back that way.  There was just a bit of comfort in that he was probably better and happier now then he could have possibly ever been on earth. He was no longer suffering.

Our family at: http://www.parentingfasdkids.com

kidznlildogz@aol.com                                                                                     

Leave him alone, he is MY BABY!

October 16, 2013 I received a call from my son's close friend, Alex.  He stated that he was expecting Jacob at his house two hours ago. He was at Jakes door trying to get him to answer the door. No answer.

 So he called me to see if I might be able to help.  Of course my heart skipped a beat. Every mother's heart does that when something is out of the ordinary for their child. 

 I decided to come over and get the apartment owners to let me in, as they had done that for me before, when Jake was in the hospital.
  
 They came with their keys to the door and opened it.  There he was on the floor. His back to me and at that moment, what was I going to find was screaming in my mind.  Was he just passed out from seizures?  Was he hurt?  Did we need a squad?
  
 JAKE!!!!!!!  JAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I called to him. He didn't move.  I ran in and grabbed his shoulder. JAKE!!!  No answer. I picked up his arm which was straight out in front of him. It WAS STIFF!  

 In that very second my world became unreal.  I cannot type here just how I stated He's DEAD!  It was more of a whine and a cry for help in total unbelief.  I said it many times. 

 Then someone said "check his pulse". Alex came in and tried. He said he couldn't feel anything.  He put his finger under his nose and thought he felt air. 
  He said "I don't know CPR!"
"I do! Roll him over" I had hope in that one second!
OMG!  We both flipped out. Silence fell and I think Alex left the room.  His face was almost purple and his lips almost black.  Knowing that his arm was stiff, there wasn't going to be any CPR.

  I sat on  this broken couch he had that was almost on the floor and I stared at him.  Tears were in my eyes, but they were total tears of shock. I wasn't sobbing because he was dead. I was just allowing small tears that said, this is just not real and I need to wake up. My kids do not die!

  I was shaking so badly that I could not use my cell phone to reach Michael.  I knew he had to come here too. This is our oldest son by birth and he meant the world to us.
  
  I didn't know how Mike was going to take it and hated that I had to tell him while he was driving, but there was no other way.
  
 Time stood still. A fly landed on my son's eye and walked around. I wanted to kill that fly. I got so angry at it. LEAVE MY SON ALONE!  But I didn't touch it. I could not touch my son's face. He scared me. It didn't look like him at all.
  
 I had touched his back in the beginning and it was still warm. To this day I regret that I didn't give him hugs around his back and belly. He still felt normal there.

 I don't know how much time went by, but the police showed up.  They said they were sorry. What the heck for? My son is DEAD!  I resented their presence in his house. They also made me leave so they could check him for any possible homicide. I didn't want to leave, but I complied.  Today I wish they had let me stay there. I wasn't done being with my son.  HE WAS MY BABY!  Who are you to tell me I can't be with him? But I walked outside and still shaking, I finally reached Mike. I hated telling him. He didn't answer for a second and then he shouted NO!  I asked him if he was ok.  I didn't want him to have an accident.

 He said he was still driving, so he thought he was ok.  He went to the chiropractors and informed them that he could not go to his appointment, as his son had died and he walked out. Left them in shock too.
  
 When he showed, he wanted to see him. The officers were not going to let us back in.  To this day I feel they over stepped their rights. THAT WAS OUR SON!
  
 So they finally let Mike peek in the door. He almost vomited and he ran out crying. What were we going to do now?  We had no clue. Jake had no insurance.  We just had no clue. We were two parents whom had just lost one of our babies and the shock was just enough so  that we could talk almost as though it hadn't really happened. We were not breaking down. Were were just talking about what we needed to do. Then finally we got in our cars and went home.  It was the most empty feeling in the world.  A big part of me died with my son.  Did I have enough left for my eight remaining kids?  

 It's been two months and even as I write this, I am sobbing.  My life has totally changed and gone a new direction and each day, I wake up not knowing which path I will be on. Will it be like before? Kind of normal and happy at times. Somewhat fun and enjoyable? Or will I cry and grieve today. Will I wonder again, when will this end?

Our family at: http://www.parentingfasdkids.com
kidznlildogz@aol.com