Saturday, December 14, 2013

A Family in shock! Where was our faith?

Desi needed a ride home from work right at the same time, that I found Jake. She called me and I told her that I could not pick her up.  I do not remember how I told her, but I did tell her Jake was dead.

 Of course that sent her into shock at her job and she up and called every one of our adult kids and told them what had happened.

 That made for a huge mess. My phone started ringing off the hook.  They wanted to know if it was true.  Anna was so upset that she called Megan crying and she thought I WAS DEAD!  They both flipped out on that.  I believe Megan called me and probably was shocked that I answered and they both then found out it was Jake. Was that less pain to them?  I guess in a way. A mom is more important in a child's life then a sib, but neither do they want to loose to a death.
 I wished that I could have told Nate in person.  He was Jake's brother and best friend. I could not tell how he was handling it on the other line.  I felt sick just having to tell this to him.

  Jon called me because he could not believe Desi was telling the truth and then Matt did the same thing.
Bri got the call, sort of fell apart at work and they let her leave work. I can't remember if Caleb called or not. But everyone got the word and they all came to our house, as soon as they all could.

  We all were in shock. We cried, we laughed, it just wasn't real.  I knew that we were going to hold each other up though, through this. We are all close.  
 The next morning and every morning after that for up to three weeks, when I woke up, I relived it all over again.  It was like waking up in hell!   Then after I got through that shock each morning, I was frozen. Almost totally paralyzed. I laid in my bed and could do nothing but cry and hurt. 

 There were some things I had to do.  We would have starved if it had not been for some awesome family and friends that helped with that, but when that wasn't there we ate hamburgers every night for weeks.  I just took out a frozen roll of ground beef and stuck them in the pan. That was all I could manage to do.
Mike was going through alot too. He felt that he hadn't prayed enough or stood spiritually strong enough to keep our first born son from being taken. I guess he was blaming himself. He was angry too at the situation that his son was just taken away like that.
 I didn't feel angry for a while. I just hurt.  Then one day I had heard the last "I am sorry" that I could take. Of course people say that. They feel bad and don't know what else to say, but my brain was not functioning in a normal realm.  I was getting madder and madder at every "I AM SORRY". 

  I wanted to scream. SORRY CAN'T BRING MY SON BACK!!!  

 I knew that was wrong to even think as everyone was just being so kind to me.  I wasn't really angry with them. I was just angry, and they were there.  I even posted that, and now I hope I didn't hurt any feelings.  

  I used to think that if one of my kids ever died, I would send everyone out of the room and tell them to leave us alone. Then I would stay there and pray until God raised them from the dead.  
 That happened in the Bible and there are accounts of it today. I thought my faith was that strong.

 When I found Jake, that was not even in my head.  Why? I just think shock pushes out all reason and plans.

  I didn't use my faith that day to bring Jake back to me. By the time I found him though, he had been in heaven for hours. If I could have even done that, would I have wanted to bring him back to his misery on earth?  He had Schizophrenia and he had suffered alot.  I think he might have been mad at me and I wouldn't want him back that way.  There was just a bit of comfort in that he was probably better and happier now then he could have possibly ever been on earth. He was no longer suffering.

Our family at:                                                                                     

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